“If only I could hide away from the world online, somehow I feel like my pain would be less. Maybe I could shield my mind from exposure to things that trigger my grief.” These are things I speak to myself daily, when I know deep down inside that I cannot run from this pain and suffering forever.
Day after day I see gender reveals and pregnancy announcements. It’s almost as if they have quadrupled since we miscarried a year ago. I am reminded repeatedly that the world goes on, but it tremendously slowed down for us.
Trust me when I say I have prayed and cried and prayed some more for this bitter heart of mine to be healed. It takes a huge deal of strength for me to give a like to a new pregnancy announcement or gender reveal. It takes a whole lot more than that for me to leave a kind comment. If I don’t leave a comment on your gender reveal or pregnancy announcement, know that it isn’t of malice intent, but rather I just didn’t have the courage nor strength that day to speak because grief takes over with every pregnancy announcement and gender reveal.
Daily, I am exposed to the good and bad of this world. Each day, on social media, I am reminded that life goes on for some and stands still for others. I see pregnancy announcements one minute and the next I see pictures of moms holding their beautiful stillborns. The world is cruel and unfair to way too many people. While those of us grieving try to understand the “why me,” “why my baby,” “why us,” questions of our losses and try to pick up the many pieces of a now shattered life, the world keeps on turning.
Some people make having babies look so easy although those of us who have lost one know that pregnancy and childbirth is nothing short of a miracle.
When I see others pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and so on, all I can say is “just one God, all we wanted was just one.” Meanwhile, I take a deep breath, place my hand on my heart as I feel the rapid beating of life within me, and I continue to grasp on to hope that one day we’ll have our chance because “God is good.”
If you or someone you know is struggling through another pregnancy announcement today, know that you are not alone. Most importantly, remind yourself or your friend that God understands. He never left your side and he won’t, most especially in times of despair. Click here to listen to a song to remind you of God’s love, and that he will bring you to something good, despite your pain. God is with you, he “collects your tears,” and he WILL heal all of your broken pieces if you allow him in.
© Strength 4 Spouses, LLC 2018.